Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Chicken Police Break Up Rabbit Fight

Those chickens are not messing around. For an animal that's been bred into stupidity over thousands of years, they certainly aren't taking any shit from their fellow barnyard citizens. I love how there's a brief cluck as they're walking away, as if to say "damn right".


Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Awesome Trading Cards: Dinosaurs Attack!

Bob's Dinosaurs Attack! Homepage

Have you ever seen something so completely awesome that you lost touch with reality for a minute? You're frickin' about to.

Topps tried once more with the DINOSAURS ATTACK! cards that came out in 1988. At that time there was a lot of interest in Dinosaurs and Brown and Gelman thought a blood and guts series like the old ones would be unusual enough to be sucessful again. But it never broke through as a card series in a big way. Just hard core collectors seemed to love them. The series was certainly inspired by Mars Attacks.

This is an incredibly gory, fifty-five piece trading card series about dinosaurs running loose in the modern day, disrupting all sorts of events and violently eviscerating all in their path. This guy Bob Heffner has graciously decided to scan and upload the front and back of each card, so now everybody can revel in the majesty of this ridiculous piece of history.

Wait, what does that say?
When Tim Burton had Warner Bros. acquire the rights for the Mars Attacks film, they also bought the rights to Dinosaurs Attack.

Oh my god, yes. Does anyone out there have enough pull in Hollywood to make that happen? I appreciate the effort with Jurassic Park II, but frankly it just wasn't enough.

Here are two more of my favorites:


Monday, October 29, 2007

Moose heart Buffalo

I guess everybody needs a little love every once in a while. I promise I'll pull these posts out of the gutter soon.

"Someone gets a little frisky..."


Sunday, October 28, 2007

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Drunk Elephants

I'm sure most everyone has heard about animals - specifically elephants - eating fermented fruit and getting drunk (If you haven't, the video's at the bottom of this post). But what about when they're actually drinking human booze? Bad, bad shit goes down, that's what.

Drunk elephant rampage ends in death

Six Asiatic wild elephants were electrocuted as they went berserk after drinking rice beer in India’s remote northeast, a wildlife official said today.

The 40-strong herd uprooted an electric pole while looking desperately for food on Friday in Chandan Nukat, a village nearly 240km west of Shillong, the capital of Meghalaya state, said Sunil Kumar, a state wildlife official.

It happened back in 2004, too:

Drunken elephants die in accident

A herd of about 20 to 25 elephants went on the rampage in a remote area in the West Garo Hills district earlier this week after getting high on the beer.

As panicky villagers fled for cover, leaving behind their freshly brewed beverage, the elephants drank to their heart's content.

The inebriated elephants then struck an electric pole and brought it down.

And 1991:
A herd of thirsty elephants have broken through Indian army defences to steal the soldiers winter rum rations. The animals regularly break into an army supply depot in the jungle area of Bagdogra, in Northern Bengal, to get to the stores of food and spirit. Soldiers have tried to keep them at bay by lighting fires around the base and putting up electrified fences. But the crafty creatures have learned to hose out the flames with water stored in their trunks, and to flatten the fences by dropping uprooted trees on them. Once inside the depot, the huge raiders have no problem smashing down thin steel railings and wooden windows to get to the rum, sugar, flour and bananas inside, said an army spokesman. An officer recently posted there explained that the elephants broke the rum bottles by cleverly curling their trunks around the bottom. Then they empty the contents down their throats. They soon got drunk, he said, and swayed around. They enjoy themselves and then return to the jungle. But woe betide any soldier on duty who confronts one of the partying pachyderms, said the officer. One elephant never forgot the man who poured hot water on him one night - and has returned regularly to demolish his hut.
- Daily Telegraph 14/12/91

Then again, at least one person is skeptical about the whole thing. His point about the marula fruits is probably valid, but I'm not convinced that it's impossible for an elephant to drink enough. Honestly, I want to believe. Anyway, here's that video:

If I ever open a bar, I'm calling it "Marula".


Friday, October 26, 2007

More Fire Ants

The guy who did the fire ant page was posted on digg, so he did another one. That's here.

I think my favorite part is this guy from a crappy emo band being eaten alive:

Here's another one I found of somebody sticking their hand in a fire ant hill(?).


Thursday, October 25, 2007

Asiatic Lions vs. Electric Fence

5 rare Asiatic lions electrocuted

AHMADABAD, India - Five rare Asiatic lions were found electrocuted Friday on the edge of western India's Gir National Park, a wildlife warden said.

They were killed by an electrified fence, allegedly put up illegally by a farmer to protect crops near the sanctuary, said Gujarat state's chief wildlife warden, Pradeep Khanna.

Here's an unwieldy video that's too ugly to embed.

I suppose numbers two through five didn't get the hint. Most interesting thing? There are only about 350 asiatic lions left in the wild. Yes, yes - 1.4% of all the asiatic lions were killed by the same electric fence. It seems like you wouldn't need a fence powerful enough to reliably kill full grown lions just to keep them out.

The Wildlife Protection Society of India says their bones are all highly prized in traditional Chinese medicine, as are their claws


Cheetah Poops in Some Guy's Jeep

Man, I don't know if I even need to say anything beyond the YouTube description: "a cheetah climbs on a car and takes a dump through the roof"

How majestic of it.

As an interesting aside, that poop probably contained secretions from the cheetah's anal glands, so technically that man and his fancy Jeep now belong to the cheetah. Did you know your cat has anal glands? That's right! On top of that, the cat food you feed him makes his poop too soft to properly drain them. Remember cat owners, it's a good idea to express your cat's anal sacs regularly!

i've been waiting to use anal sacs in a post for a week now


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Dutch Museum Can't Find a Single Crab Louse in all of Holland

Dutch natural history museum unable to locate elusive crab louse for its collection

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands: A Dutch museum said Friday it is having trouble getting its hands on a parasite that just about everybody else is anxious to avoid: crabs.

The Rotterdam Natural History Museum has appealed for somebody — anybody — to give it a single crab louse for its collection, amid fears they may be dying out.

Alack the day! He's gone, he's kill'd, he's dead! Can Heaven be so envious? Without pubic lice, we just might be running out of harmless STIs we can still make fun of people for! What could be the cause of this horrible extinction?

The authors hypothesized that the bikini wax known as "The Brazilian" that removes all or most pubic hair, might be to blame.



I'll give it to you, that might be possible. Plausible, even. But what the hell kind of bizarro-world is this museum living in? It's always difficult to tell if the Dutch are way ahead of us, or if they're just thinking on such a far-off plane that neither of us will ever really understand each other. Frankly, I'm amazed they get along with everyone so well.

But here's what really clinches the article:

"When the bamboo forests that the Giant Panda lives in were cut down, the bear became threatened with extinction. Pubic lice can't live without pubic hair."

Frankly, I'd rather see the crab louse make it out alive. I'm sick of pandas.


Cow vs... Tree?

'Cow-eating' trees of Padrame

Residents of Padrame near Kokkoda in Uppinangady forest range sighted one such carnivorous tree trying to dine on a cow last Thursday. According to reports, the cow owned by Anand Gowda had been left to graze in the forests.

The cow was suddenly grabbed by the branches and pulled from the ground. The terrified cowherd ran to the village, and got Gowda and a band of villagers to the carnivorous tree.
I once read about the man-eating trees of Madagascar in a big, fantastic book called The Unexplained (which, incidentally, introduced me to the concept of the chupacabras), but I suppose it makes just as must sense for there to be one in India. According to the Wikipedia entry on carnivorous trees (you know there's gotta be one), they've been spotted in Central and South America too. The article also includes what appears to be the only legitimate picture of one on the internet.

As is standard with these sorts of things, there are no photos, official investigations or anyone expressing any interesting in figuring out what the fuck happened.
However no detailed inquiry was made as the authorities were not asked for any report, Rao said.


More from Cryptomundo


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Mantis vs. Mouse

Just a quick one before bedtime. I hope the image of a ruthless, insectoid killer eviscerating an adorable mouse pleasantly wedges itself into your mind tonight. Sweet dreams!


Monday, October 22, 2007

Fire ants vs. The World!

Check this site out! Not only is it full of videos of fire ants telling it like it is, the guy who wrote it is hilarious.

Fire ants have a degree of awesomeness that cannot be replicated by other insects. They are dangerous, relentless, stinging robots that attack anything that comes near their nest without any regard for their own lives. Even their name sounds menacing - putting other contenders like a "stink bug" or "dung beetle" in their place without even having to go to the trouble of biting out their intestines.
My favorite part is this:
Fire Ants vs. Giant, Pissed Off Spider

[Giant, Pissed Off Spider]
* More legs than an ant
* Can spin webs
* Spider-sense
* Giant and pissed off

[Fire Ants]
* Legs are good target for biting
* Can bite through webs
* Gamma-ray induced ant rage
* Small, difficult target
It's a shame that he confused locust with cicada, as per the top of the page, but this is a common mistake. They don't look particularly similar:




Regardless, I understand that not all of us grew up under the spectre of yearly locust plagues. Especially the flesh locusts. It's difficult to forget that menacing shape after watching your grandmother be torn limb from limb in the village square, screaming helplessly as she clasps the red petunia you had sheepishly handed her.

It's kind of why I drink.


Monkey vs. Delhi Deputy Mayor, Mayor frickin' dies

Monkey attack kills Delhi leader

The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.

SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys.

My god. I'm imagining SS Bajwa leaning over his balcony on a steamy Delhi morning, perhaps leisurely sipping coffee while smoking his day's first cigarette, and suddenly being assaulted by angry rhesus macaques. As one leaps for his head and digs its claw into his eye socket, Bajwa tosses his arms into the air and lets out a deafening Wilhelm scream. Several others swing from the balcony and plow into his torso, sending him flying over the banister into the tropical air. The mass of blood, flailing bureaucrat and enraged simian carves a graceful arc through the air before hitting the ground with a dull thud - the monkeys walk away unconcerned as the public servant lies lifeless on the ground. Sirens in the distance. This was not a random assault. This was a hit.

But don't worry! Delhi is working hard to ensure that this doesn't happen again:

Solution elusive

One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus macaques.

Wait, what? How the fuck is that a good idea? Didn't they learn from, oh, I don't know, the brown snake or the cane toad? Yeah, imagine cane toads, but they'll kill you instead of your dumb dog.

Maybe they need to employ these guys:


Sunday, October 21, 2007

Dancing Cockatoos: Overanalyzing YouTube Nonsense

There may not be any animals fighting here, but why pigeonhole ourselves? Besides, it's a beautiful Sunday, it's your fault you're on the internet.

According to youtube, cockatoos love to dance. There are days when it seems like every other video is a cockatoo boogying its face off, and damn if I couldn't spend hours watching them do that. It's an awful shame they're usually dancing to the Backstreet boys or something similarly terrible, but then again the sorts of people who make pet birds dance might not have the best taste in music.

Wait! Who's that, lurking in the shadows? It looks like... oh no! It's Wired Magazine, coming to ruin our fun! Curse you wired, with your reasoned, objective analysis!

I suspect that in most cases, while the video is being shot, but outside the picture, the bird's owner is dancing along with the bird, and encouraging it. Being very social, interactive, and intelligent, they also quickly notice what kind of behavior gets them attention and repeat it. So it would be easy to train a cockatoo to dance without ever consciously trying to.

While it doesn't seem that there's a bulletproof conclusion, it looks like cockatoos might not actually be genetically endowed with wicked flow. This should be the sort or thing that could be solved with a cockatoo, the scientific method and a Backstreet Boys CD, but by the time they throw all that through an IRB I don't think anyone will care anymore. Alas! Here are some more videos if you'd like. This one actually has some great music that I took the time to look for afterwards.


Saturday, October 20, 2007

Domestic animals vs. Crab

Let's continue with the crustacean theme, shall we? The woman taping may be the most annoying person to have ever existed, but I'm going to post it anyway because I enjoy seeing nature toy with domestication.

This next video is just as good, but embedding is disabled so all you get is a link. Here!


Friday, October 19, 2007

Crab vs. 2700psi

This reminds me a bit of that scene in Alien Resurrection where the Ripley hybrid is sucked out of the ship through a tiny hole.

This is a video taken in 6000 feet of water. An undersea robot is sawing a 3mm wide slit (1/10th of an inch ... remember that width) in a pipeline. The pressure inside the pipeline is 0 psig, while the pressure outside is 2700 psi, or 1.3 tons per square inch. Then a crab comes along....

From here.


Goodness gracious

I found this at Cephalopodcast (which is a fantastic blog everyone should go read), and while not strictly related to animal battles I feel it's worth sharing. With just a bit of effort, you can make your own as well! Just click here!


Lion vs. Tiger

I'd heard about this Animal Face-Off show, but I wasn't aware they actually created entire CG sequences of animal battles. While I appreciate all the hard work that went into crafting this masterpiece, their justification for the winner seems a little half-assed. I'm sure it would depend mostly on circumstance. If you'd like to skip the science stuff at the beginning, fast forward to 0:45.

I also like the generalization of "Asia" as some bullshit crumbling temple in the jungle.


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Mantis Shrimp vs. Crab

Mantis shrimp are not actually shrimp, nor are they mantids. The hell made you think that? In fact, they're stomatopods, an entirely separate order of crustacean. I could write about all the amazing things their claws do, but a) I don't really understand it entirely and b) I'm kind of drunk. Cavitation bubbles? Somnoluminescence? Man, I don't know what that means, but I certainly don't want to be somnoluminesced. Suffice it to say that they can hit prey at 23 meters per second, and that divers have taken to calling them "thumb splitters". You don't really want to mess with a mantis shrimp, and if you need any more evidence you can check out the Wikipedia entry on that absurd claw.

Here's one more video for your stomatopodic pleasure, and there are a zillion more on YouTube.


Tuesday, October 16, 2007


You'll notice around 1:10 that the larger bear actually begins to defecate in the middle of the battle. Now, I've got to wonder - is he doing something akin to shitting your pants in terror, or is he so used to fighting that he can do it while taking a dump?


Monday, October 15, 2007

Scorpion vs. Mouse

This is what Battlezoo is all about, really. An complex, suspenseful fight with absurd vanilla jazz to back it up. Highlights include the awesome sneak attack around 1:36 and the mouse roar at 3:55. I think it's pretty interesting how the mice start trying to bite off its tail - I wonder if that was something they learned when younger or if they gradually figured out that goddamn that hurts.


Re: Battle for Anchorage

(a contribution)
Re: Battle for Anchorage
From: Dr. Кйохдюгдъоцгдкядъ
Subject: I think crab will win

Yes, I am writing about man who want to fight crab. In my home town of Magadan we also have same crab. Very big, very mean. I am biologist who study crab. After fall of Soviet Union where my job was scientist who study bomb shell and hiding in hole in ground, the switch to crab research was only small step.

Read more

I myself have done study on over 100 crab over 15 yorshk in length. This kind Alaska crab very fast, very sharp. One time I see this same style of crab pinch into two half a foolish boy who walk in sea with fish line with chicken piece tied to end. Crab move same fast in water as on sand, it can not be stopped with such ease. To tie up ones own arms is to give crab the victory! Why, I can not understand, why you do think like this? You will not win beach, you will just die by claw of crab! When we must kill crab, and I don’t do it often because I love crab, but when we must we use special secret Soviet tool we discover during cold war. In Russian we call it “молоток”, but I think in English it called “hammer”. It’s like heavy thing with stick on it. Kills crap pretty well. So unless you take with you молоток I am sure you will lose. And your nice girlfriend will probably must belong to crab then. This is your tradition, no? I saw it in Hollywood movie somewhere, maybe with Fay Wray but I don’t know. But all this with the tie and the flipper and the knee, it’s just, I can’t even say. I know you American never listen so but I don’t care I tell you. When you getting pinch and killed by crap please send me photo because such a thing would make my day. Thank you for reading and good look in fight to death; probably your death.


Sunday, October 14, 2007

Elephant seals

Elephant seals are the largest member of the pinnipeds, weighing up to two and a half tons. That's probably about twice as much as your crappy Honda Civic. In fact, "The record bull, shot in Possession Bay, South Georgia in 1913, was 5000 kg (11,000 lb) and 6.9 m (22.5 feet) long." There are actually two species, northern and southern, of which the southern tends to be about 400 kilos heavier.

Not convinced that an elephant seal is totally better than you? How about this - "There is a highly polygynous mating system, with a successful male able to impregnate up to 50 females in one season."

Below might be the best video I've found yet, the soundtrack just screams "elephant seals fighting." I especially like when, around 0:45, the seal rears its head back and charges the other guy.

Maybe we'll do bears tomorrow!


Polar Bear vs. Walrus

It's a scientific fact that polar bears are absolutely terrifying. Sure, they might look cute from a distance, but that's about as close as you'd want to get. Walruses weigh up to two thousand kilograms, and a polar bear a third that size has absolutely no problem completely kicking its ass and dragging it out of the water.

This apparently isn't uncommon - check out this carved tusk from Russia.


Pinnipeds have it rough

If I'm reincarnated, seal or sea lion is just about at the bottom of my list. Whenever you're worried about sharks, what's the advice you always get? Just don't look like a seal. Well damn, what if I am a seal? They've certainly gotten a raw deal as big, floating bags of meat, and you know something's wrong when your chief predator is just screwing around with you for fun.


Saturday, October 13, 2007

Three thousand chickens escape on Scottish highway, policeman points menacingly

Motorway fowl-up: Why 3000 chickens crossed the road

Why did 3000 chickens cross the road? Because the lorry they were in crashed on one of Scotland's busiest motorways, that's why.

Thousands of runaway chickens brought traffic to a standstill after a transporter lorry crashed on a busy road near Glasgow.

How, exactly, do you round up three thousand chickens? I wish someone had taken video of the policemen chasing them and chucking them back into the truck. This is without a doubt the best photo in the article. True journalism.


An unlikely outcome

From here. Did you have a hankering to hear a crocodile today? Perhaps a juvenile distress call, threatening adult hiss, or a courtship bellow? My friend, all that and more is just a click away.


Friday, October 12, 2007

To prove a point


Horse vs. Everything Ever

I found this excellent blog the other day, and upon delving into the archives came across a comic that seems to be entirely about a black horse fighting everything it can lay its murderous hooves on. Opponents include wolves, snakes, vaguely murine bears and other horses, along with more formidable adversaries such as weather and gravity itself.

I'm not sure why Black Fury feels the need to engage in combat with, um, everything, or if he can indeed help himself, but I appreciate the spunk required to tell gravity to go fuck itself and (presumably) come out on top. In these times of subjugated, broken beasts of burden, it's important to remember that horses can, in fact, battle.


Baby vs. Cobra

This video ends about ten seconds too early.


Thursday, October 11, 2007

Battle for Anchorage

(a contribution)
From: James Benson
Subject: I’m going to show a king crab who the real king around here is!

Hey, my name’s Jim, and I’m takin’ on a crab next weekend! Down by the fishing docks near where I live in Anchorage there are these HUGE crabs! Really, like I saw this one that stood about three feet tall, with its claws all up in the air, man, you should have seen it.

Read more

Well, anyway, I was down there last Monday night with my girlfriend, trying to watch the moon and the tide and whatever, and one of these big suckers comes out and dancing around on the beach like he owns the place! Well that really pissed me off, so next weekend, it’s ON! Winner takes all! It’s a battle for the beach, baby, and I’m coming out ON TOP!
Alright, so here’s the catch, though. I’m no wimp, and I stand for a fair fight. Fishermen pull the claws and legs off these things all the time at the fishing docks so I know they aren’t that strong. So to keep things fair I’m tying my arms behind my back! That’s right, no arms to put this sucker down! And just cuz I’m want to show total victory, I’m even going give him another advantage; I’m going to go into battle wearing nothing but my Speedo and a pair of flippers. That gives him the speed advantage and gives him lots of skin to pinch. But I’m not afraid, I’m expecting the fight to last 30 seconds tops.
I’ve been getting in shape, working out, you know. Drinking lots of crab juice to get the taste of blood in my mouth! I’ve been pinching myself in elevator doors, conveyer belts, just about anything I can find to get my skin and nerves ready for this thing. I’ve already got some cool scars and nasty pinch marks, but nothing like what I’m going to leave that crab with! Ok, so here’s my strategy. It’s all in the knees. If I can get the body of the crab under my knees, and put all of my weight down, I can crush its stupid little shell! I’ve got to be careful though, lots of spines on that shell, so sitting on it is out. I’d imagine a good kick to the underside would do some real damage too. But I fight in the moment; in the heat of combat I just become an animal and my instincts cut in. I think I was probably a walrus in a past life or some because I really love bashing crabs! Do walruses bash crabs? Anyway, a whatever bashes crabs, I was that, and so it’s going to be amazing!
After I have achieved my victory, my girlfriend and I are going to EAT that crab right there on the beach I will have won. The only think sweeter than the crab will be the victory!


Man triumphs over crustacean.

IMG_740, originally uploaded by greta and hazel.



Battlezoo. An institution. A way of life. Now, a blog.

Originally conceptualized as a gigantic, free-form nature preserve where humans would pay to fight animals, Battlezoo was one of Western civilization's last great ideas. Construction began on a remote South Pacific island in late 1947 and was completed four years later, with close to seventy thousand individual creatures brought in from every continent on the planet.

Set to open on July 17th, 1951 - the tenth anniversary of its conception - the Zoo never actually saw the light of day. On July 15th, legal issues, lack of investor interest and violent animal rights protests led to the complete abandonment of Battlezoo and relegated it to the obscure annals of history.

The animals still roam the island today, locked in an eternal showdown.