Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Tom Selleck vs. Macaw

This is a clip of Tom Selleck, as Magnum, P.I., being attacked by an irate macaw. That's all it is.

Or is it? The depth of emotion carried in the elderly woman's shouts of Merlin!, T.C's remorseless, stone-hearted reaction to the helpless bird's murder, the dash of international intrigue and suspense of a handgun standoff... truly, this clip has the potential to become a television classic, revered for generations.

Though the complexity of this episode must raise many questions in the viewer's mind, perhaps the most baffling is what the hell is that noise you are making, higgins


Monkeys in film

List of films with monkeys in them is a deleted Wikipedia page. The list, in its entirety, reads

King Kong- was a gorilla but monkey family
Dunsten checks in- Orangatan part of monkey family
King Kong vs Godzilla- fictional mechanical gorilla
Incomplete and clearly written by someone with a poor understanding of simian taxonomy (orangutans are great apes, you imbecile!), but a valuable resource nonetheless. Jimmy Wales, I suggest you re-evaluate your criteria for "unmanageable listcruft" - you're letting hundreds of gems slip through your fingers!

From Deletionpedia, which is full of this kind of hilarity.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Pig holds woman hostage

Large pushy pig traps Australian

A woman on the north coast of New South Wales in Australia is being held hostage in her own home by a large pig, Australian media report.
Uki woman Caroline Hayes, 63, says the pig is as big as "a Shetland pony" and that she cannot get out of her house because of its aggressive behaviour.
Ha ha, Australians. I wonder what it's like to live on a continent where all the animals are trying to kill you, all the time. At least they took care of this one:
Rangers say the pig will be captured and taken to a piggery.
In case you didn't know, a piggery is a horrible concentration camp for our porcine kin in which they spend their entire lives locked up in filthy, inadequate cells. Then they cut their throats and drain their blood, so you can eat pork chops in front of Project Runway and feel bad about your weight.


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The mongolian death worm

In Search of the Mongolian Death Worm

Trudging gingerly across the arid sands of the Gobi desert, Czech explorer Ivan Mackerle is careful not to put a foot wrong, for he knows it may be his last. He scours the land and shifting valleys for tell-tale signs of disturbance in the sands below, always ready for the unexpected lurch of an alien being said to kill in one strike with a sharp spout of acidic venom to the face. A creature so secretive that no photographic evidence yet exists, but the locals know it’s there, always waiting in silence for its prey, waiting to strike – the Mongolian Death Worm.
I've become a lot more skeptical of cryptozoology lately, and given the fact that it doesn't seem like anyone has ever reported actually seeing a death worm there isn't much reason to believe this one. The article is even weirdly contradictory:
although they spoke to a number of Mongolians in the area, all of whom regaled wondrous stories of the worm, no one could verify they had seen the creature first-hand. Even still, after four weeks the team had gathered enough verbal evidence to be convinced that the worm really does exist. Lead researcher, Richard Freeman, said: “Every eyewitness account and story we have heard describes exactly the same thing
Right. Even so, I think there's merit in searching for these things if only because a discovery might lead to conservation. There are undoubtedly a lot of totally bizarre creatures we killed off without ever even finding them, and the Gobi is a very big, very desolate and very sparsely populated area. Also, it's in China, and if you've ever been there you know what that means (it means there is all sorts of weird stuff in China).


Saturday, September 13, 2008

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Inhumane animal traps

Animal Trap Quiz Answers

This is probably the most interesting piece of internet I've seen since that list of goofy mugshots. A database of diabolical animal traps with detailed pictures? Actual photos, not just patent diagrams. It's like a birthday present from your aunt you haven't seen since you were six!

I could never pick a favorite (it'd be kind of like when someone asks you what your favorite band is, and you can't pick so you say something stupid like "Jamiroquai" even though you only know like eight of their songs), but I thought this "man trap" was particularly interesting:

"This invention relates to jaw traps and, among other objects, aims to provide a jaw trap which may be used to capture chicken thieves, being so constructed that the more the victim struggles the closer together the jaws move. A further object is to provide a jaw trap having a jaw locking mechanism which prevents the jaws from being pried apart by the victim, the mechanism itself being so guarded that the victim cannot release himself. A further object is to provide a jaw trap for the purpose stated which is so constructed that the victim is not injured in any way."

But the best thing on the page is this piece of insane ephemera:

Do you remember a time when people used to go out and shoot gophers? I sure goddamned don't. I don't even know anyone who would shoot a gopher. It's fun to laugh at the past.

What is it? is the main blog, and while I'm not sure why he makes a new blogspot account every time he posts answers, it's still pretty cool.


Warthog vs. Lion

Despite what the Lion King may have taught you, Warthogs are nasty creatures (they're more like Bebop than Pumbaa).