Monday, June 30, 2008

Rest in Peace, Ayveq the Masturbating Walrus

I've never been to the New York Aquarium, but until recently one of their main attractions was a 2700 pound walrus named Ayveq ("walrus" in Yupik). Unfortunately, he died a week ago, succumbing to a massive, untreatable bacterial infection. Says the NY Aquarium's obit:

Ayveq will be remembered for his raffish ways and unusual skills such as whistling on cue, drinking down whole fish through a straw, and charming many generations of Aquarium visitors at the Sea Cliffs windows.
How sad! Who wouldn't miss a raffish walrus who can whistle on cue and suck fish through a straw?

Actually, it turns out that he's going to be remembered mostly for whacking off.
Ayveq, the walrus whose bizarre, though oddly compelling, masturbation rituals made him an international sensation at the New York Aquarium, has died. He was 14.

You know, I think I would call that oddly compelling. So compelling, in fact, that I had to look up walrus masturbation. Most of it was porn (no, really), but this video is shot from a much better angle and the walrus actually moans throughout it. Disclaimer: I'm not sure if this is Ayveq and the narrator is incredibly irritating, but it's worth watching. Err, it's something, anyway.


Sunday, June 29, 2008

This week in animal attacks

Cryptomundo has a good (is that the word for it?) round up of people attacked by animals in the past week or so.

A cougar attacked, killed and partially ate a New Mexico man living in a trailer, authorities announced on Tuesday, June 24, 2008.
Meanwhile, on Sunday, June 22, 2008, an adolescent male lose [sic] an arm during an alligator attack in Florida. The teenager was attacked by an 111/2-foot alligator, but managed to get away with his life but lost his arm.
Finally, in Kenya, Toroitich Kurere, 70, died at the Rift Valley Provincial General Hospital on Saturday, June 21, 2008 [...] The elderly man had fought off a hyena as it was attacking his son.
How unfortunate. Be careful, dudes.


Friday, June 27, 2008

Cat vs. Sanity

This cat:
a) will haunt my dreams
b) was probably never adopted and subsequently put to sleep.

My favorite part is when the woman says "aww, Burgerrrr" and it lunges at her.


Thursday, June 26, 2008

Komodo dragons vs. everything

I don't know if you knew this, but Komodo dragons are terrifying. Having evolved on an island where there are no competing native carnivores, they're able to grow up to ten feet long and pretty much not worry about anything, ever (except logging!). They're not terribly forgiving with their food, either: "When suitable prey arrives near a dragon's ambush site, it will suddenly charge at the animal and go for the underside or the throat." In addition to being mildly venomous, their mouths harbor at least fifty-seven different kinds of bacteria to infect the shit out of the neck wound it just gave you. Here are some videos of Komodo dragons eating a whole pig and a live deer.


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Goat vs. Electric Fence

Liz: i.....think he likes it


Giant squid sex

Weird sex: Giant squid do it deeper

VIGO, Spain (25 Sep 2005) -- RESEARCH by marine scientists has shed startling new light on the secret sex life of the giant squid, one of the most mysterious monsters of the world's deepest oceans.
I'm not sure if anyone thought that the sex lives of giant squid were something approaching "normal", but this is pretty bizarre.
"But males get round their inferior size by being endowed with a particularly long penis, which means they can inject the female without having to get too close to her chomping beak. The male's sexual organ is actually a bit like a high-pressure fire hose and is normally nearly as long as his body - excluding legs and head.

"But having such a big penis does have one drawback: it seems that co-ordinating eight legs, two feeding tentacles and a huge penis, whilst fending off an irate female, is a bit too much to ask, and one of the two males stranded on the Spanish coast had accidentally injected himself with sperm packages in the legs and body.
Yikes, I wonder if that's the cephalopod equivilent of your parents finding you sitting in your chair, pants down, strangled to death with a belt. Here's some more if you're so interested, including some slightly off-putting details of squid egg-laying.
Eggs soon funnel from her large, terminally positioned ovary into long, convoluted proximal oviducts ... The nidamental glands would then secrete vast amounts of jelly, probably almost entirely filling her mantle cavity. This jelly binds with discharging eggs, and like a cement mixer, her mantle probably rhythmically contracts and relaxes, thoroughly mixing them. Shortly afterwards this mass of jelly and egg would be extruded through her funnel, and a sphere-like egg mass of ~half-a-metre in diameter would be released. This mass would then be taken into her arms where she would cradle it as it absorbed seawater and increases in size (possibly to two-or-so metres diameter).
Ewww. I also found this picture of Japanese girls with octopi on their heads, if that's your kind of thing. Up to you.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Chase, the cat with no face

"My name is Chase. I am 2 years and 3 months old. When I was 3-6 weeks old, in June 2005, I was hit by a car and left in the road."

Daily Tails [sic] of Chase

"I am NOT IN ANY PAIN! I am a very loving and friendly cat. I love to meet new dogs and cats and really like to lick them." Chase and I have something in common! I guess, way to go cat? Not only does he somehow manage to sleep with no eyelids, he's mastered the English language, learned how to type and figured out blogging software.

Alright, it's kind of hard to be cynical about a cat with no face. However, I am surprised to discover that there are actually a whole lot of blogs about cats with faces written in the first person.

I'm probably not qualified to call out stupid blog ideas, though.


Saturday, June 14, 2008

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Canada goose attacks!

This is worth watching if just for the "Ow, my dog!"

UPDATE: I have been informed that he might be saying "Get off my dog!" Upon further viewing, I have to agree.