Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Monkey-faced pig

I'm gone! This post comes to you from my substitute Battlezookeeper.

A wonderful creature has arisen in China: the monkey-faced pig. We can only hope that it grows up and has many babies that look just like it. I also anticipate it will gain the ability to shoot laserbeams from its eyes. What is clear is that it will terrify people for years. Or possibly be made into bacon, whatever,


Monday, July 28, 2008

Bear Cavalry...

I'm gone! This post comes to you from my substitute Battlezookeeper.

According to this link, thirty bears besieged a group of geologists in Russia last week. They ate two geologists at their dig site. Hunters/rescuers were delayed by weather for days. Via 4chan, here is how I hope the siege ended.


Friday, July 25, 2008

The inevitable rise of monkey robot armies

I'm gone! This post comes to you from my substitute Battlezookeeper.

So, let's start with the understanding that although the experiment shown in the video below may be for some good cause, such as helping people who have lost limbs, it could have world-changing consequences if the robot-armed monkeys escape. Incidentally, this blatantly non-trustworthy news site claims that the first thing the monkeys did when they acquired the robot-arms was fling poo. Naturally.

That video wasn't very scary, right? Vaguely worrying? Well, this one is both. Not only is it being developed by Boston Dyanamics for military use (great idea), it is utterly terrifying and makes a high-pitches whining noise while chasing you through the woods. And such.

I would say that the scientists involved in everything above have not seen or digested the lesson of scientific hubris of Jurassic Park. Now is it far-fetched to consider that the robot-arm wielding monkeys, though possibly cute, could acquire Big Dog robotic mounts and wage war upon us? I think not. Imagine this as their reconnaissance scouts:

Definitely not funny anymore. And they've clearly been practicing for years, waiting for us to perfect the technology necessary and randomly equip them with it. It will be a terrible battle and I totally warned you about it. My friend Claire from work helped me create an image of what the future could be:

Also, the robot-monkey-big-dog appears to be fighting multiple Fidel Castros. Awesome.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Catfish vs. Basketball

Catfish eats basketball

A guy saw a ball bouncing around kind of strange like and when he went to investigate, it was a flathead catfish with a child's basketball stuck in its mouth and the pictures tell the rest of the story. His wife did have to cut the ball in order to deflate the ball and release the catfish.


Saturday, July 19, 2008

Everybody eat a pigeon

Pigeons: The Next Step in Local Eating (No, Really)

When you look at a pigeon, you might see a dirty, rat-like bird that fouls anything it touches with feathers or feces, but I see a waste-scavenging, protein-generating biomachine.
You see, city pigeons are the feral descendants of birds that were domesticated by humans thousands of years ago so that we could eat them and use their guano as fertilizer, we read in Der Spiegel. They're still doing their part, i.e. eating and breeding, but we humans have stopped doing ours, i.e. eating them.
Numbering in the hundreds of millions, they could be a new source of guilt-free protein for locavores in urban centers. Instead, we're still trying to kill off our species' former pet birds[.]
Delicious. It makes a hell of a lot more sense than raising chickens, and the locavore movement is possibly the only modern alternative food system that wouldn't completely destroy society as we know it (don't buy non-GM foods, kids). My mission for this Sunday is to go kill and eat a feral pigeon. I like this point near the end of the article, too:
Really, all pigeons need is a re-branding. Just as the spurned Patagonian toothfish became the majestic Chilean sea bass and the silly Chinese gooseberry became the beloved kiwifruit, pigeons can merely reclaim their previous sufficiently arugula-sounding name: squab.
Or the apparently inedible pitaya becoming the regal dragonfruit.


Friday, July 18, 2008

Bees vs. Japanese Crows

Bees Enlisted to Attack Crows in Tokyo

After years of being attacked by crows, a colony of seabirds nesting in Tokyo is getting an unlikely ally: the tiny honeybee.

Conservationists hope bees will repel the crows, based on the insects' tendency to attack anything dark-colored that approaches their hives.
Oh man, letting 20,000 bees loose in downtown Tokyo? What in the world could possibly go wrong?

On the other hand, Japanese crows are spawn of Satan.
In a single prolonged attack five years ago, about 60 crows picked off roughly 300 eggs and 160 young birds, and fewer terns have come to the nesting site since then.
I've been told they actually attack people from time to time. Yikes.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Dogs dressed as humans

Dogs and cats dressed as humans, circa 1914. Life sure was boring before the internet! memory.loc.gov is amazing, you can type in any old nonsense and it'll spit back a wealth of bizarrely antiquated prints.

This is now the fourth most popular post on Battlezoo, due to the multitudes of people who google "animal battle sex." Or maybe just the one guy who does it every day.


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Ever give a pig a hj?

"Pig AI - Landata-Cobiporc
Research and development firm for self swine artificial insemination "

Thank you Google, for placing only the most relevant ads on Battlezoo.


Protective Chicken Glasses

It's widely known amongst agrarian types that chickens are the bullies of the barnyard. I'm not well versed enough in chicken-aggression to tell you exactly how often they end up fighting, but given that watching them is a sport unto itself I'd say often enough.

Anyway, what the hell am I talking about. This guy patented some chicken goggles.

Be it known that I, Andrew Jackson, Jr., a citizen of the United States, residing at Munich, in the county of Jackson, State of Tennessee, have invented certain new and useful Improvements in Eye-Protectors for Chickens
This invention relates to eye protectors, and more particularly to eye-protectors designed for fowls, so that they may be protected from other fowls that might attempt to peck them
Improvements? Does that mean there were previous designs for chicken goggles that were deemed unsatisfactory? Sheesh, people had nothing to do before the internet.


Saturday, July 12, 2008

Louis XI's pig organ

That brutal monarch, Louis XI of France, is said to have constructed, with the assistance of the Abbé de Baigne, an instrument designated a 'pig organ,' for the production of natural sounds. The master of the royal music, having made a very large and varied assortment of swine, embracing specimens of all breeds and ages, these were carefully voiced, and placed in order, according to their several tones and semitones, and so arranged that a key-board communicated with them, severally and individually, by means of rods ending in sharp spikes. In this way a player, by touching any note, could instantly sound a corresponding note in nature, and was enabled to produce at will either natural melody or harmony! The result is said to have been striking, but not very grateful to human ears.
- J. Crofts, "Colour-Music," The Gentleman's Magazine, September 1885
The abbot of Baigne, a man of great wit, and who had the art of inventing new musical instruments, being in the service of Louis XI. king of France, was ordered by that prince to get him a concert of swine's voices, thinking it impossible. The abbot was not surprised but asked money for the performance, which was immediately delivered him; and he wrought a thing as singular as ever was seen. For out of a great number of hogs, of several ages. which he got together, and placed under a tent or pavilion covered with velvet, before which he had a table of wood painted, with a certain number of keys, he made an organical instrument; and as he played upon the said keys, he, by means of little spikes, which pricked the hogs, made them cry in such order and consonance, as highly delighted the king and all his company
- I. Platt, "The Swine's Concert," A Library Of Wonders And Curiosities Found In Nature And Art, Science And Literature, 1884

My kind of guy. Shamelessly stolen from Futility Closet, my new favorite blog.


Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Man vs. Elephant Butt

I think this has been around for a while, but hoo boy is it funny.


Saturday, July 5, 2008

American troops blow up a god damned dog in Iraq

Here is a video of some American troops killing a dog, presumably in Iraq, with a lot more explosives than a dog normally warrants. I will reserve commentary, Battlezoo is not political!


Thursday, July 3, 2008

You want a chili dog, NERD?

"Battlezoo is a blog about animals fighting."

I think this qualifies: "Drunk redneck gets his ass kicked at HyperFest"

There's so much I could say about this, but I think the video speaks for itself. We'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.


Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Battle Sex Animal is my band's new name

Hello dear readers!

Do you remember the day you found Battlezoo? It changed your life, didn't it? Chances are you were googling for animal facts, but my page stats tell me that's not exactly what everyone who ends up here is looking for. Here's a list of some of my favorite search strings that lead people to this fair blog:

fighting and fucking
animals hit by lightning
a cheetah climbs on a car and takes a dump through the roof (this was a lot funnier before I realized I'd posted a video of exactly that)
battle sex animal
elephant fucking humans
how to have sex with chikens
asian animals focking

And my favorite:

cat poop too soft

If only my problems were that interesting.