Dutch Museum Can't Find a Single Crab Louse in all of Holland

Dutch natural history museum unable to locate elusive crab louse for its collection

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands: A Dutch museum said Friday it is having trouble getting its hands on a parasite that just about everybody else is anxious to avoid: crabs.

The Rotterdam Natural History Museum has appealed for somebody — anybody — to give it a single crab louse for its collection, amid fears they may be dying out.

Alack the day! He's gone, he's kill'd, he's dead! Can Heaven be so envious? Without pubic lice, we just might be running out of harmless STIs we can still make fun of people for! What could be the cause of this horrible extinction?

The authors hypothesized that the bikini wax known as "The Brazilian" that removes all or most pubic hair, might be to blame.

...

okay.

I'll give it to you, that might be possible. Plausible, even. But what the hell kind of bizarro-world is this museum living in? It's always difficult to tell if the Dutch are way ahead of us, or if they're just thinking on such a far-off plane that neither of us will ever really understand each other. Frankly, I'm amazed they get along with everyone so well.

But here's what really clinches the article:

"When the bamboo forests that the Giant Panda lives in were cut down, the bear became threatened with extinction. Pubic lice can't live without pubic hair."

Frankly, I'd rather see the crab louse make it out alive. I'm sick of pandas.