Monkey vs. Delhi Deputy Mayor, Mayor frickin' dies

Monkey attack kills Delhi leader

The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.

SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys.

My god. I'm imagining SS Bajwa leaning over his balcony on a steamy Delhi morning, perhaps leisurely sipping coffee while smoking his day's first cigarette, and suddenly being assaulted by angry rhesus macaques. As one leaps for his head and digs its claw into his eye socket, Bajwa tosses his arms into the air and lets out a deafening Wilhelm scream. Several others swing from the balcony and plow into his torso, sending him flying over the banister into the tropical air. The mass of blood, flailing bureaucrat and enraged simian carves a graceful arc through the air before hitting the ground with a dull thud - the monkeys walk away unconcerned as the public servant lies lifeless on the ground. Sirens in the distance. This was not a random assault. This was a hit.

But don't worry! Delhi is working hard to ensure that this doesn't happen again:

Solution elusive

One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus macaques.

Wait, what? How the fuck is that a good idea? Didn't they learn from, oh, I don't know, the brown snake or the cane toad? Yeah, imagine cane toads, but they'll kill you instead of your dumb dog.

Maybe they need to employ these guys: