Battle for Anchorage

(a contribution)
From: James Benson
Subject: I’m going to show a king crab who the real king around here is!

Hey, my name’s Jim, and I’m takin’ on a crab next weekend! Down by the fishing docks near where I live in Anchorage there are these HUGE crabs! Really, like I saw this one that stood about three feet tall, with its claws all up in the air, man, you should have seen it.

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Well, anyway, I was down there last Monday night with my girlfriend, trying to watch the moon and the tide and whatever, and one of these big suckers comes out and dancing around on the beach like he owns the place! Well that really pissed me off, so next weekend, it’s ON! Winner takes all! It’s a battle for the beach, baby, and I’m coming out ON TOP!
Alright, so here’s the catch, though. I’m no wimp, and I stand for a fair fight. Fishermen pull the claws and legs off these things all the time at the fishing docks so I know they aren’t that strong. So to keep things fair I’m tying my arms behind my back! That’s right, no arms to put this sucker down! And just cuz I’m want to show total victory, I’m even going give him another advantage; I’m going to go into battle wearing nothing but my Speedo and a pair of flippers. That gives him the speed advantage and gives him lots of skin to pinch. But I’m not afraid, I’m expecting the fight to last 30 seconds tops.
I’ve been getting in shape, working out, you know. Drinking lots of crab juice to get the taste of blood in my mouth! I’ve been pinching myself in elevator doors, conveyer belts, just about anything I can find to get my skin and nerves ready for this thing. I’ve already got some cool scars and nasty pinch marks, but nothing like what I’m going to leave that crab with! Ok, so here’s my strategy. It’s all in the knees. If I can get the body of the crab under my knees, and put all of my weight down, I can crush its stupid little shell! I’ve got to be careful though, lots of spines on that shell, so sitting on it is out. I’d imagine a good kick to the underside would do some real damage too. But I fight in the moment; in the heat of combat I just become an animal and my instincts cut in. I think I was probably a walrus in a past life or some because I really love bashing crabs! Do walruses bash crabs? Anyway, a whatever bashes crabs, I was that, and so it’s going to be amazing!
After I have achieved my victory, my girlfriend and I are going to EAT that crab right there on the beach I will have won. The only think sweeter than the crab will be the victory!